Cutting the Strings During Family Conflict
Do you feel like someone else is pulling the strings in your life? Many of us have been there, and we feel like puppets with choices made for us rather than by us. Coercive control can sneak into our lives in a subtle way, affecting our relationships and sense of self without us even realising it, especially if we are young and rely heavily on the person who is controlling us. It is crucial to recognise these traits and patterns and take steps to regain control, to foster healthy more fulfilling connections.
I am going to explore how to cut those strings and help you to empower yourself, to make your own choices, leading to a life where you call the shots!
The Puppet Strings Analogy
Imagine your life as a puppet show, where you are the main character. In a healthy scenario, you would be in control of your own strings, making decisions freely. But in coercive situations, someone else holds those strings. This helps us to visualise how subtle control can be. It is not always about obvious force; sometimes it is gentle tugs that guide our actions without us realising it.
Think about a time when you have felt pressured to make choices that didn’t align with your values. Those moments might be signs of coercive control at play.
This is the type of behaviour that can happen during child alienation:
The victim parent is being threatened of not being able to see their child if they are not complying with the other parents demands. There are risks causing emotional and mental harm to both the child and parent, if they do not comply.
As for the child, small controlling behaviours chip away at the child, until they are making adult decisions which they are cohered into believing it is their decision.
Recognising Coercive Patterns
Constant critism that chips away at self esteem
Monitoring your activities, including who you talk to and where you go
Making you feel guilty for spending time on your interests or with friends
Controlling finances, even if you earn your own money
These patterns create an environment where you feel you can’t make decisions without approval. It is like walking on eggshells, always worried about the consequences of your actions.
Impact on Personal Freedom
During family conflict and personal Dilemmas, the impact this will have when someone else pulls your strings, your sense of freedom takes a hit. You might find yourself second guessing every decision, wondering if it will upset the puppeteer in your life.
This loss of freedom can affect every aspect of your life. Overtime you might lose touch with who you are and what you want. It is like your true self is hidden behind a curtain, waiting for a chance to come out and shine.
Reclaiming Your Power
Reclaiming your power starts with small steps. It is about rediscovering your voice and trusting your instincts.
Begin by setting small, achievable goals that are just for you.
Practice saying “no” to things that don’t align with your values. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but each time you do it, you are strengthening your personal boundaries.
A personal coach (like me) can be your ally in reclaiming control of your life. We offer a safe space to explore your thoughts and feelings without judgement.
Helping Children in Conflicts
Children caught in family conflicts need extra support to maintain their sense of self. As adults, we can play a crucial role in protecting their independence. Encourage children to express their feelings openly. Create a safe environment where they know it is okay to disagree or have different opinions.
Teach them about healthy boundaries. Help them understand that it is okay to say “no” to things that make them uncomfortable, even to adults they trust.
Most importantly, be consistant, supportive presence in their lives. Show them what healthy relationships look like through your actions.
PLEASE do not take advantage of these tips to turn them against their other parent.
Safe Family Environments
A safe family environment is one where everyone feels heard and respected. It is a place where individuality is celebrated, not suppressed.
Start by setting clear, fair rules that apply to everyone. This creates a sense of equality and predictability.
Encourage open communication. Have regular family meetings where everyone gets a chance to speak and be heard.
Celebrate each family member’s unique qualities and interests. This helps build confidence and reinforces the idea that it is okay to be different.
Remember, creating a safe environment is an ongoing process. It requires patience, consistency, and willingness to learn and grown together.
Rebuilding Your Life with Love
Rebuilding your life after coercive control is an act of self-love. It is about creating a life that aligns with your values and desires.
Begin by reconnecting with the things you love. Maybe it is a hobby you gave up or a dream you put on hold. Dust off those old passions and give them new life.
Even if you have lost connect with a family member, still look after yourself, shelf that contact for a time until they are ready to come back into your life, and keep your door open with hope that one day they will knock on it.
Practise self compassion. Be patient with yourself as you learn to make decisions again. It is okay to make mistakes - they are part of learning.
Surround yourself with positive influences even when you don’t feel like it. Seek out people and environments that uplift and inspire you.
Your Path Forward
Your path forward is uniquely yours. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to breaking free from coercive control.
Some steps you may consider:
Seek professional help from a therapist or counselor
Join a support group
Learning more about healthy relationships and boundaries
Practice self care and self compassion daily
Progress isn’t one straight line, there maybe set backs along the way, but each step forward is a victory!
Good Luck with Your Next Step, I am here to help
All my Love and Hope for you
Claire x