When You Realise You Don’t Fit In—And Why That’s the Start of Something New
For as long as I can remember, I felt like I didn’t quite fit in. Maybe you know that feeling too. I grew up in a family where criticism was just part of the air I breathed. There were always rules about how things “should” be done, rules that never really felt like mine. I tried to please, to do things right, but it always felt just out of reach. The love I received was practical, helping with chores, looking after my son, but there were always mixed messages. I never truly felt seen or accepted for who I was.
The biggest shift in my life came when I moved to Sweden. Suddenly, I was out of the old patterns, but the visits home became more and more difficult. No matter how hard I tried, it was never right. The way I planned visits, the way I communicated, everything was picked apart. The anxiety built up so much that I started having panic attacks before each trip. My sleep was wrecked, my mental health suffered, and eventually, I found myself sitting in the GP’s office, asking for help just to get through it.
At one point, my husband said, “If it’s this hard, maybe you shouldn’t go.” That was a wake-up call. I realised I was putting myself through so much pain just to keep trying to fit in, but it was never going to be enough, not with people who were always judging and expecting.
That’s when I made a decision: I stopped trying to fit in. I wanted to belong, but not at the cost of my own well-being. I reached out to my family with honesty, wanting to move forward with love and kindness, but there was no response. The relationships faded. It hurt, but it was also a relief. I could finally stop walking on eggshells.
The Hidden Cost of Family Conflict
And here’s the thing my story isn’t rare. Research shows that between 24% and 48% of children experience elevated family conflict, and around 1 in 5 young people struggle with mental, emotional, or behavioural issues often linked to stressful or judgmental home environments. When you grow up feeling judged or unsupported, it gets under your skin, shaping your self-worth and your choices. Anxiety, depression, low self-esteem they’re not just buzzwords, they’re the silent companions of too many people who are still carrying the weight of family conflict into adulthood.
But here’s what I want you to really hear:
It’s not about blaming your upbringing or your parents. They were only working with what they had, passing down patterns they probably never questioned. We can’t change our families and honestly, who are we to even try? What matters most is what you do next.
Let Them Do Them,But Let You Do You
As Mel Robbins says, “Let them.”
Let them be who they are, let them have their opinions, their rules, their expectations. But let yourself be you. You get to choose how you move forward. You get to decide what you want your life to look and feel like from here.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “My life is on hold, I’m stuck, I need something to change” know that you’re not alone. You don’t have to keep living on autopilot, repeating the same patterns, feeling like you never quite measure up.
Three Powerful Questions to Get Unstuck
If you’re ready to take a step forward, start here:
Who are you, really? Not who your family expects you to be, but who you truly are, underneath the layers.
What are your values? Get clear on what matters to you, not what you were told should matter.
What behaviours can actually serve you? Notice which old habits or beliefs keep you stuck in that “should” mindset, and gently choose new behaviours that help you move forward, without that constant, nagging feeling in the back of your head.
You can’t change your family, but you can change how you show up for yourself. And that’s where real transformation begins.
Ready to Move Forward?
If you’re reading this and it feels like I’m speaking straight to your heart, maybe it’s time. Time to stop putting your own needs on hold. Time to stop living by someone else’s rules. Time to finally belong to yourself.
If you’re ready to explore your own patterns and step into a life that feels like home, I’m here. Book a free discovery call or just reply to this post—I’d love to hear your story and help you find your next step.
Let this be your invitation to stop living in the “shoulds” and start living in your truth. You deserve to move forward.